Losing My Cookies

Oreo cookiesBe quick to listen, SLOW to speak and slow to get angry, human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. James 1:19:20

Meanderings:

This is the scripture that hangs next to my desk in my office. Why is it there? Well, because I can get really irritated at work, and it is not a good idea to be unprofessional. But mostly it is there to remind me who I serve and to whom I belong. Additionally, whether I am a follower of Jesus Christ or not, I have the genetic defect of many Scotch-Irish descendants, a fire-hot temper. It was a problem for me when I was young, and since I have been walking with my Lord since 1999, He has been pruning me of it ever since. It is a major challenge for me to give up my “right to be right”. If someone has hurt me or mine, (as that is usually my flash point) a major storm can erupt. However, I am learning, ever so slowly, to let go and let God fight for me. But make no mistake, I am still weak in the flesh and sometimes, sometimes I just can’t get out of my own way. I am very capable of hurting myself and others.

Crooked Paths:

This happened recently, and the pre-1999 gal showed up again. I was very hurt by a deep running, lengthy and painful situation and in the process of working it out – I hurt others. It really doesn’t matter that I felt justified. In the end, I “lost my cookies,” “popped my cork”, “threw a rod…” whatever.

The thing about loving Jesus which sometimes really stinks is that He makes my heart SOOOO tender that whenever I do grieve Him with my choices and behavior, I cannot let it go. I cannot live with myself until I repent to Him and if possible to the person I may have hurt. It physically damages me when I bring shame to His Kingdom through my broken testimony. What I am learning is that when I run ahead of Him and His timing, I spoil the whole thing and I don’t leave room for Him to work through it all for me. Sometimes, I have had the patience to sit back and watch Him to move things around – people, hearts and events, to meet His timing and plan – not mine. I have learned in so many cases when I look back at the situations that though He might not have done it when and how I wanted him to do it – He did resolve the issue to His pleasure and process – not mine. His plan was better.

Straight paths:

I have experienced this process recently too, as I had been estranged from someone for many years. I knew my own heart was not ready to be able to speak with truth and love to my friend. I prayed about it for it seems, forever. Then one day, my heart was renewed – just like that. God had changed my heart for me. She and I met. We cleared out the “elephant in the room” and God’s plan was fulfilled and peace between sisters in Christ was made. You just know the angels in heaven had a party about that one! I am learning that anger, though a gift to us from God can also really be a curse – that God tells us to be quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to get angry for a reason, and as Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind”. If we multiply that 60 seconds by all the days and months we stew over something – well, that is a life wasted. It may be that God will never be through teaching me this lesson, but I am hopeful I will be wiser next time, and controlled not by my flesh, but His Spirit.

Losing my cookies is yet another teaching moment for me, that I must lean not unto my own understandings (of why He made me this way), and acknowledge Him in all things (and that His way is right) and He will set my paths straight (thank God He does, because left to myself, I will fail every time). I don’t want to waste even 60 seconds of my life, and with God’s help, if there is a next time, I can hold onto my cookies.

But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace. James 3:17-18

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:26-27

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.
Mahatma Gandhi

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6 thoughts on “Losing My Cookies

  1. Dear sister in the Lord, how precious your heart is! Learning to operate anger according to the Holy Spirit is tough. I understand with my mind but often my heart reverts to Jenni’s way. I am learning to trust the Lord with my anger. Anger for me, is always about my unmet need. It is me upset because I don’t get what I think I deserve or need. As I am growing, I am learning how to take those needs to God and trust Him to source them. So, I totally identify with you in losing your cookies. I just pray that our Father would continue to teach us how to honor Him with all our emotions, not just anger. I already see that in your words and your actions. Well done!

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    • thank you for your sweet words, they are like honey to a very sore heart. All I do know is that no matter what, God is right even when it seems life isn’t fair. I continue to pray about this…there is nothing else and better that I can do. Hugs to you my friend. BTW- Have had a ton of feedback about your legacy piece from friends who have read it- you are a walking inspiration to be able to move beyond your family hurts. God’s legacy to you and yours is being fulfilled. Well done to you as well, good and faithful servant. 🙂

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  2. It can be so awkward to look inward when things erupt. If only everyone in such heated situations could step beck and let Him move us. We are only human, but being slow to speak can be so much more difficult for some. I know the pain of losing it and saying the wrong thing. We when we lose control, we are truly allowing the devil a foothold. It seems to me, so many walk about life with their tongues wagging, never concerned with who they would hurt. At least you have the conscience to recognize your fault, not many people are strong enough to do that…

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