The phone on the bedside table rudely rang, disrupting her hard fought for sleep. She reached for it, knocked it off the cradle and dropped the receiver to the floor. Groaning, she scrambled out of bed to get it and croaked “hullo” into the phone. Opening one eye to the wall clock she noticed it was after 2:00am.
“Mom?” she heard a strangled sob on the other end of the line. She quickly awoke with alarm.
“What is it honey, what’s wrong? Are you ok? Is it the baby?”
The young woman sat at her kitchen table shaking. She was near hysterics. Hugely pregnant with an additional 70 pounds on her 5’2 frame, she struggled to get up and pace the room. The fear was rising in her throat – almost choking her. “I can’t do this. I can’t. I will mess it up. He needs a better mom than me….” she cried through the phone.
“What are you talking about? Who needs a better mom?”
“The baby! My boy I am having tomorrow. I am going to be horrible at this. I am too selfish. Too clueless…and worse…I don’t want to share him with anyone and when I have that c-section tomorrow he won’t be only mine anymore!!!” she sobbed.
The soon-to-be-grandmother giggled at her daughter. Now that she had her own wits about her, she began to understand. “Oh silly girl, what are you talking about? You will be a fine mother. You have been praying for this baby boy for a long time. You know he is God’s plan and you know that this little one has an amazing future!”
“How do you know that? How could he have when I am his mother?” I wailed. I can’t do this, I can’t!” My mom out-right chortled at this.
“Honey, look at that belly in front of you…it’s a …a little too late for second thoughts now, don’t you think?”
I continued to sob and whined again… “I love him so much mom, I cannot even breathe I love him that much. I really want to do this right. I know my hubby will be an awesome dad, but I couldn’t stand it if I messed up.”
“Well honey, parenting doesn’t come with a manual. You just do the best you can, trust God and love this boy every minute of every day…and make sure HE knows it… Now calm down, dry your eyes and go back to sleep. With a heart like yours, you can’t help being an incredible mother…”
“But I will warn you about one thing”, my mom continued.
“What?” I asked with concern….
“You are going to have to learn to share him. He belongs to God and your husband and your families too. That’s just the way it is…”
That conversation happened the night before I delivered my first child. I am many years down the road now – and still, I don’t share either of my boys well.
Today my young men went back to school. I have been sad all day. I am just not one of those parents who identify with the Staples commercial, that Back to School time is the “most wonderful time of the year.” Thing 1 is in the swan song of his high school career and Thing 2 is shortly behind him.
I frankly don’t get it when I hear parents grousing about how the kids “run their lives” and they can’t wait for their kids to go off to college and get out of the house.
So, again, I couldn’t sleep last night. My head is groaning with details and concerns for them… and I still can’t breathe well when I think of how much I love my children. I have spent nearly every day of my parent life wondering in awe of them, thanking God for them, and learning new ranges and depths of human love for my precious hubby and boys. Yes. They really do rock that much.
Which is why I write this blog today…I miss them. The house was way too empty when I left for work this morning. Their Dad felt it too.
I don’t like that I had to “share” them so soon. Summer has come and gone and I am still trying to catch those last few warm rays of “son” from my boys.
Though I never thought I would be a decent parent, (the jury may be out on that – so you will have to ask the Thing’s their opinion), it occurs to me that as much as I love my son’s, it is just a raindrop in the wind as compared to how much God loves His Son, Jesus the Christ. Indeed, it also pales to the love He feels for His adopted sons and daughters. He loved US so much He sacrificed HIS SON for our salvation – that who so ever believes in Jesus and accepts Him as their Saviour will be saved from everlasting separation from the Father…
I often think about the scripture in the book of Luke (2:33-35) when Simeon prophesied to Mary about Jesus…that [love for her son] would pierce her own soul too. I think that God perhaps gives parents hearts for their children that are a reflection of the depth of His love for us.
Trust me, if I had to choose between my guys and any “who so ever”? Well “who so ever” would lose. But not God. HE LOVES LOVES LOVE US. Yes, He really does rock that much.
I know my kids have to go off and do their own things and have their own life – but I pray that they will never ever lose the special bond and affinity that we have formed. It would break my heart.
Our relationship with God is a magnification of that same kind of familial love. And when our actions and choices put us apart from Him – it breaks His heart and we are missed.
God does not want us to leave Him, as He created us especially for relationship with Him and for good things… and though I do not share well – God WILL NOT share His children with our other “gods.” As we are all prodigals, He will call us back time and time again from our worldly distractions.
He is the best parent, the wisest Father and one that will never “mess it up.” His love is eternal, never forsaking and always present. I know that as a mom, I cannot make all those same claims, but I can be assured that God is a better parent to my guys than I ever will be.
So in re-reading this post it occurs to me that my mother was wrong about one thing.
Though I was not given a “mom manual,” when I left the hospitals post birthing my two guys – I did eventually find a great parenting manual – the B-I-B-L-E. And if I really don’t want to mess this up – I will rely on it to teach me to be the kind of parent God wants me to be – and maybe, just maybe, learn to share better as well. 😉
LOL. Amen and Amen.